I will start today.
I don’t recommend turning 40. If you have a time machine, or some device that will otherwise stop aging, do that instead. Perhaps vampirism may help. Do whatever you can to avoid hitting the big four oh. It’s a ridiculously humbling experience that no one should truly have to go through. It does, however, bring foolish behavior into focus.
I’m a creature of routine. My body, however, is not. I know exactly what will happen when I eat after nine pm, but seem to enjoy a type of Russian Roulette with acid reflux. Am I going to be woken up at two am feeling as if death was upon me, or will I wake up at two am to pee?
I have a history of poor dieting, and have compounded on it with a lack of regular exercise or real movement. I’m effectively a walking heart attack waiting to happen.
I’m 42, so for the last 2 years, my body has been screaming at me to make changes. As I was sitting up at 2:00 am wondering if it’s possible to die from reflux, I promised myself I’d do better. Don’t get excited, I promise myself all kinds of things. I promised myself I wouldn’t let people walk on me, and I would stand up for myself. I’m still waiting to hold myself accountable for both of those promises.
The problem is, I no longer like the body I’m in. If I were an alien invader, I’d attempt to shed this one and find one that works better. Unfortunately, I’m not an alien. I paid money to go see a dietician. Her name is Mary and she’s absolutely lovely. I worked out of a book, took notes, and made plans. I did zero of the things.
A friend of mine works out every single day. Every. Single. Day. It’s his religion. His belief in self care makes me incredibly envious. It’s more than that, it’s his self discipline that I find myself most in awe of. My sister is the same way. I want to know how she got the “I will start today” gene, and I got the “Put it off until tomorrow” gene.
I’m the same way with everything. Financial stability? I’ll start tomorrow. Things I know that will break me later? I’ll fix them later. Putting air in the tire of my car? Meh, it expands with the heat, so I just need to wait for a warm day and I won’t need to put air in it. I kid you not, this is how my brain works. It’s not procrastination, which I actually wish it was. I apparently struggle to do things with more than a few steps, or anything that involves people I don’t know. Nope, I’m a sufferer of ADHD and avoidance is my Achilles’ Heel.
Today is yesterday’s tomorrow. I have a cruise in 51 days. I’ve never been on a cruise. It involves lots of people that I don’t know, and I will be traveling with plans that someone else made. If anxiety doesn’t kill me, being 150 lbs overweight is going to.
At some point, I have to make the decision to put my needs in front of my wants. This morning, I didn’t get up and do any form of exercise. So I’m going to pack a bag, and go to the gym after work. If I’m feeling very motivated, I’ll come home for lunch and walk the dog. He’d love that. I have to start today, I can no longer say tomorrow.
Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.
Thanks for reading! xoxo – Kristy